Navigating Grief and Responsibility
When my mom died, I felt like the whole world shifted under my feet. Suddenly, I was expected to be this anchor for my family, to step into a role that my mom filled so beautifully. But I was barely holding on myself. My chest hurt constantly, and I felt like the pain would never stop. I lost my mom, and then my grandmother too. The people who made me feel at home, who grounded me, were gone. And it felt like everyone was looking to me to fill the void.
Meanwhile, my relationship with my dad has always been distant. We coexist without really connecting. Now he's all I have left in terms of parents, but the bond that he’s been trying to have just isn't there. It isn’t his fault. It’s definitely mine. I have a lot of unpacking to do. I’m extremely independent and that coping mechanism doesn’t allow me to turn toward him or anyone in my family for comfort. My younger brother is doing his best, stepping up as the man of the house, but I wish I could be strong enough to give him a break, to let him grieve, to be the big sister he needs. Instead, I'm the one who feels lost.
I miss the times when everything felt simpler. When my mom was around, there was this sense of warmth and security. Now, it feels like everything is on my shoulders, and I'm too exhausted to carry it. I want to be the person who holds everyone together, but I can't even keep myself together. It's like I'm standing in my mom's shoes, but they're way too big for me to fill.
People keep telling me to seek support, to talk about my feelings, but it's hard. It feels like I'm supposed to be this rock for everyone else, even when I'm crumbling inside. I know I'm not a superhero, but the pressure to act like one is relentless. I'm expected to step up, to take care of things, to be responsible, but all I want to do is grieve and figure out who I am without my mom.
I'm grateful for the people who have been there for me—my friends and other family members—but it's not enough to fill the emptiness. I need to find my own way through this, to figure out how to navigate this new reality where I'm supposed to be the strong one. But how can I do that when I feel so weak?
I wish I could be more like my mom, to have her strength and grace. But I'm not her, and I can't pretend to be. All I can do is try to be myself, even if I don't know who that is anymore. I need time to grieve, to process everything that's happened, but the world keeps moving, and I'm struggling to keep up.
I know I'm not alone in this, and I know there are people who care about me. But sometimes, it feels like the weight of responsibility is too much. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to take on the role of family matriarch, but I guess I'll have to find a way. My family needs me, even if I'm not sure how to be what they need. I just hope I can find a way to honor my mom and grandmother without losing myself in the process.
If you're grieving and need someone who understands, you can join You Good?, a mental health support chat group and safe space where you can share your experiences with mental health and grief.
